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Impostor Syndrome

February 24, 2009

January and February usually take a lot out of me, and this year’s no different. I’m currently in the midst of a heavy bout of impostor syndrome just after toiling through another written assignment, despite the fact that it seems like everyone in my class has had the same woes as I had getting through it. At the moment, I don’t feel like I’m any good getting myself organized to do effective reading or networking to really learn and develop as a research oriented archaeologist, but am just managing to keep up with the required coursework to complete the current degree. At the rate I’m going, I feel like I’ll be utterly unprepared to enter a PhD program.

Part of the problem, I feel, is that I don’t get a lot of time outside of lecture to do reading on my own. What time I do have is hoovered up into tackling our various assignments, which, while definitely entertaining and educational, take up the days off lecture during the week due to the need to visit various records offices and libraries for research. I have made it a bit harder on myself by auditing a lecture on Tuesdays as well, but that one is the only one where the reader actually makes an effort to engage students with the material rather than just expose them.

So there’s all that, and then I’ve also got difficulty changing my habits on the domestic side of things so as to make much room for any reading or the like, and again, what time I do have for that has been eaten up by my work on assignments. I also seem to have some sort of sleep issue, since when I do sit down at home and try to start reading, I inevitably end up falling asleep or coming so close to doing so that there’s no point in trying to continue reading. I’ve got a huge backlog of texts at this point that I’d really like to tuck into.

I do anticipate that I’ll have plenty of reading time on the train once lectures end and I’m doing my placement, but at the moment, I’m feeling severely under-read, under-skilled and very very callow.

Oh, and I also should not forget that I’ve turned in nothing that was not a first draft at this point. ARGH! Sure, I got a 66 on the essay I did, but… Bah.

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